The Pope era is over.
He simply doesn't like me. Well, he likes me, as a person. In fact, we have a lot of fun together. But he just is not that "into me." Or in his words, he is not nearly as excited about me as he was before he moved here. He's just not feeling it.
I would say this caught me completely by surprise, but my frighteningly accurate and perceptive gut instinct warned me. I tried to ignore the gut, because just when I was feeling the most vulnerable, he would do or say something to reassure me.
But I knew that one just does not go from coming on as strong as he did over email and the phone (before he moved back to this city), to being as distant as he has been. Granted, it was sporadic (the putting the distance between us), so I even tried to chalk it up to his across-country move and his job. But the warning signs were there, and I guess, have been since we had the near-fatal conversation about a month ago. I should have proceeded with caution after he cancelled our first date, but nooooo, I had to go and throw caution to the wind.
I am still sorting through my feelings about this. It's not easy, going straight from the whole Jake Brigance/Spock situation, to now this.... I like(d) the Pope a lot, we had a great time together and I thought we had chemistry (regardless of his recent behavior). So I am sad. I am not really angry with him, because I did appreciate the honest and open conversation we had last night about it. He could have dragged this on for a while, only to leave me much more hurt than I am at this stage. I am, however, a little annoyed at him for giving me a false sense of security through all of the many many sweet things he said to me. He even went so far as to say that I was "safe" with him. Not so much, it seems.
The worst part of it is that I am reeling from the rejection. I wish I knew WHY. He didn't give me a tangible reason that I can hold onto in dealing with this. Like, was it my looks? my weight? a certain personality trait? did I say or do something?
I am not one to open up quickly to a guy while dating. It takes me some time. Usually. With the Pope, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And I am not doing a good job of forgiving myself for that.
On the flip side, I'm trying to find the positive in this. Trying to learn a little bit of something from this experience. I realized today that this "relationship" brought out an insecure part of me that I didn't like. That's not me, and I don't want that characteristic messing with my happy existence. When I find a guy that is right for me, I shouldn't be nervous or worry about how he feels about me. I should also not ever feel like I have to change anything about myself or my beliefs to be what I think a guy wants.
So, now, I can stop worrying and get on my life, focus on work, spend time with my great friends, and just continue to enjoy this fabulous single life.
